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Tweaked version of my proof of concept trailer

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  • Tweaked version of my proof of concept trailer

    I had posted the full proof of concept trailer for my film noir project "The Shadow Sea" a few days ago and got some good feedback. There wasn't a lot I could do with it but I've re-arranged a few shots, created another and added a couple that hadn't made the original cut. I also shortened it by a few seconds. I also spent hours trying to get just the right frame to show up as the thumbnail, but finally did. Have a look.

  • #2
    Just my opinion (obviously) but I think you could cut that a lot - there's an awful lot of shots of people walking.
    I think you could cut it to about 90 seconds with no loss of real material.
    Screenwriter and script consultant:


    • #3
      Hey Rich I will have to agree with Mara - If you cut it down to even 60 seconds, and just keep the important dialog, your trailer would be more professional then it currently is. You have some cool shots, and dialog, and you also have some shots that do not make sense with the current dialog. Cut out the shots that do not tell the story and you will be happy :)
      Distribber - Keep 100% of your film's revenue


      • #4
        I agree, but whatever you do, I beg you to not cut out the shot at 15seconds :P


        • #5
          In my very VERY humble opinion, here is my critique:

          1) First of all...way too long. I would cut it at the line where the voice over says "You didn't think we'd forget, did you?"

          2) Too much walking. Walking doesn't suggest urgency which is what I am gathering your character has since he's searching for this woman.

          3) In the very beginning of the trailer, the voice over ends too soon and the character begins speaking. You draw the audience in with the radio announcement (voice over) and we anticipate that the voice over is going to set up the trailer but then it doesn't.

          4) When the main character says, "...I'm gonna find her" maybe show "HER" when he says that word. Reason being, you have a number of female images throughout the whole trailer and I didn't know which one of them was "her." Is "Her" the same "Her" as the one you show in the bloody bed with a gun?

          5) We hear the voices of the other "villains" or characters long before we see their faces. Maybe show them talking sooner so that we know who the antagonists are (plus adds more shots other than the walking).

          6) When the main character says, "I let her go when I should have held on" maybe show a shot of him and "Her" together doing whatever it was they did together before she went missing and he had to look for her. With regards to that, maybe I missed it but who is this woman to him? A lover? A co-worker? His sister? Not sure.

          7) I think if you matched the dialogue "...bloody rampage......several men dead" with the ALL the bloody images it would be more dramatic. The same with dialogue of the main character saying, "I don't want to kill anybody" and showing the image of him shooting the man in the head or placing the gun in his pants, would better illustrate what kind of character you have created.

          8) When the voice over says, "...Bangkok city of shadows..." it needs to be matched with a wide shot of the entire city (like the shot you have at the beginning of the trailer).

          9) The "what did you do to her" line should be paired with images of "Her" being someone different than what she was before she got lost. Maybe show the drug paraphernalia with that line.

          and finally...

          10) Show the characters (villains) saying, "Why do you put up with that loser?" then cut to the main character committing a nefarious act as the villain answers "because he makes me a lot of money."

          Again, this is just my opinion. I really love the the way the film looks. I think you have captured that Film Noir perfectly and can't wait to see the final result! Good luck!

          PS....yes....I second MrJay10's comment. :-)


          • #6
            Originally posted by mara View Post
            Just my opinion (obviously) but I think you could cut that a lot - there's an awful lot of shots of people walking.
            I think you could cut it to about 90 seconds with no loss of real material.
            Rich, I told you there was too much shoe leather. Remove all redundant shots. You have two of the guy in the subway, you only need one, if you even need one. 60 seconds, no more. Needs to move faster. However, that being said, it is an improvement over the first trailer I saw. Keep refining.


            • #7
              Wow. Ask and you shall receive! I will take note of everything everyone has said and take a good long look at the trailer today. Thanks to everyone.