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Hi,Help needed to review a Sci Fi movie Intro Crawl ??

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  • Short Hi,Help needed to review a Sci Fi movie Intro Crawl ??

    Hi, i'am new to the cinema, i am about to finish my first sci fi shortfilm,knowing that i'am not english native, i would need some help on reviwing and fixing a small intro text( pasted below ) and make it more pro , thank u in advance, REDA.

    "IN 2150, A NUCLEAR DISASTER CAUSED BY THE FAILURE OF A COLD FUSION TEST, AT THE DELTA INTERNATIONAL AEROSPACE LABS (WHICH AIMED THE DÉVELOPPEMENT OF A PURE ENERGY SOURCE) , MADE LIFE NO LONGER POSSIBLE ON EARTH.


    THE ONLY SURVIVORS WERE THE CREW OF THE URANUS DISCOVERY EXPEDITION SENT BY DELTA INTERNATIONAL AEROSPACE IN ONE HAND, LED BY CAPTAIN M; AND THE URANIUM BEHAVIOUR STUDIES EXPEDITION LED BY CAPTAIN ZORK IN THE OTHER HAND, WHOSE HUNGER FOR POWER TURNED HIM TO A REAL DANGER FOR THE DELTA SOCIETY.


    A BLOODY WAR BEGUN BETWEEN THE TWO COMMUNITIES, DELTA CLAIMS FOR PEACE, AND ZORK SPREADS TERROR, AND AIMS TO RULE THE UNIVERSE."

  • #2
    "IN 2150, WHILE SEEKING A PURE ENERGY SOURCE AT THE DELTA INTERNATIONAL AEROSPACE LABS, PROMISING TESTS IN COLD FUSION ENDED IN APOCALYPTIC FAILURE, AND INSTEAD ENDED THE ABILITY FOR LIFE TO EXIST ON EARTH.


    THE ONLY SURVIVORS WERE THE CREW OF DELTA'S URANUS DISCOVERY EXPEDITION LED BY CAPTAIN M, AND THE URANIUM BEHAVIOUR STUDIES EXPEDITION LED BY THE DEVIOUS AND CALCULATING CAPTAIN ZORK.


    A BLOODY WAR BROKE OUT BETWEEN THE TWO SURVIVING TEAMS. WHILE DELTA SEEKS TO CREATE A NEW, PEACEFUL SOCIETY ZORK SPREADS FEAR AND PREPARES HIS PLAN TO RULE THE UNIVERSE."

    ---------------

    I think you did pretty well for someone for whom English is your second language. I've seen plenty of Americans who would not have been able to compose that as well.

    Above is my attempt to rewrite your narrative. Let me know if it conveys the notion you want to communicate and with the "feel" you are looking for. I would be happy to tweak it to better bring it in line with your wishes. I enjoy the challenge.


    Steve

    Comment


    • #3
      Thank u so much Steve, very helpful.

      I am just very happy with your reactivity Steve , ( Steven is my "2200" Shortfilm Hero by the Way i will share some images with u ) i really appreciate your help,it s more fluid ans sounds more natural i will use it if u don t mind ,thank u, have a nice Day.

      Comment


      • #4
        I don't mind at all. Glad I could help. Good luck!


        Steve

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