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Zen 786
03-25-2013, 05:45 AM
Hi all
I am a writer from India. Attaching a short script. Please critique it and let me know whether it is salable. Thanks

Nick Soares
03-25-2013, 02:06 PM
First Question: Do you think they had hatchets in 20,000 BC? Non the less, I found I was interested in the story. I only read a few pages because I am a bit busy right now but keep it up!

Director
03-25-2013, 03:43 PM
Read your story. Like it, but you need some work on your formatting.

Here's what I mean:

BHISHAM SINGH
(Sits on the mattress.)
Maan, I don’t have time. I have a flight to catch. So I will come to the point right away. I need some money. Badly.
MAAN SINGH
(Looks sad, shaking his head.)
So do I Big Brother. As a matter of fact I was going to make the same request to you.
BHISHAM SINGH
(His mask of decorum slips momentarily.)
Don’t give me that crap. I know you are rolling in money.

Give some spacing between these characters, otherwise it's annoying to read.

Secondly, get rid of those big blocks of text:

"The stag that the man has chosen as his prey is unable to get away. The man strikes at it by his primitive hatchet. As it falls the man grabs it throwing his hatchet and pierces his fork like teeth into the animal’s neck. Blood spurting from its neck, the stag violently jerks his limbs in order to get free from the man’s deadly grip. Its fight for survival gets weaker and weaker as the man tears chunks of flesh with his teeth from its body and eats savagely."

Do it like this:

"The stag that the man has chosen as his prey is unable to get away. The man strikes at it by his primitive hatchet. As it falls the man grabs it throwing his hatchet and pierces his fork like teeth into the animal’s neck.

Blood spurting from its neck, the stag violently jerks his limbs in order to get free from the man’s deadly grip. Its fight for survival gets weaker and weaker as the man tears chunks of flesh with his teeth from its body and eats savagely."

Easier to read, less laborious.

Lastly, check your grammar. Here's an example:
WRONG --> "The man strikes at it by his primitive hatchet."
RIGHT --> "The man strikes at it with his primitive hatchet."

I liked the premise of the story. Although separated by 10,000 years, man hasn't really changed that much. So true.
Also, I liked the use of the Vick's inhaler. It gave a character a tic, or a flaw, and that flaw was used against him. Nice touch.

Zen 786
03-25-2013, 11:17 PM
Hi Nick,
A million thanks for a prompt reply. Hope you'll get the time to read the full script. Nick, hatchets must certainly not have been invented in 20,000 BC. What I meant was that it was a primitive hatchet like weapon. Anyway I'll change it to a sharp edged stone and drop the word hatchet. It was elating to know that you found the story interesting.
Thanks again

Zen 786
03-25-2013, 11:36 PM
Hi Director,
A million thanks for a prompt reply. It is amazing to find that busy people like you and Nick take time out to help someone. I have already bookmarked this page so that I can read your valuable advice again and again and follow the tips you have been so nice to give me. OK so I'll give space between characters and will avoid big chunks of text and will definitely check my grammar. I was really glad to know that you liked the premise of the story and the inhaler touch.
Thanks again

Nick Soares
03-26-2013, 10:56 AM
Hi Director,
A million thanks for a prompt reply. It is amazing to find that busy people like you and Nick take time out to help someone. I have already bookmarked this page so that I can read your valuable advice again and again and follow the tips you have been so nice to give me. OK so I'll give space between characters and will avoid big chunks of text and will definitely check my grammar. I was really glad to know that you liked the premise of the story and the inhaler touch.
Thanks again

Yea that was really nice of Director to step up like that, that shows alot to me and I want to thank you Director for helping members on this forum, it means lots to me!

Zen, keep up the good work and do what you can to spread the word about this forum is the only thing I ask

Zen 786
03-27-2013, 12:57 AM
Sure Nick, I'll spread the word as much as I can. Happy to do my bit.