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Director
03-01-2013, 12:45 PM
I was exactly sure where in the FMF I should post this rant, so I'm posting it here.

I recently submitted an article to Ezine under the topic of "Humor". The article was rejected for, get this, unoriginal material and not informative enough?! In fact, here's a cut and paste of their exact wording (Your article does not include enough original and informative content.) So let me say right here that, while I did use some references to movies, which is acceptable under the "Fair Use Act" for parody, which if you're really interested in knowing more about this law, can be found here --> U.S. Copyright Office - Fair Use (http://www.copyright.gov/fls/fl102.html)

But other than these references, all the material is originally mine. As far as informative goes, it was written as a houmous piece. You know, ha ha, and all that. So I wrote Ezine and informed them that if they don't accept humor, why even have that as a topic list? Of course, maybe they don't find my brand of humor amusing. So I've decided to leave it up to my peers on FMF to decide if it's original, or informative enough, even though it isn't meant to be informative.

And so, without further ado, here's my unaccepted article in its entirety.

My Big Fat Greek Punctuation Excuse

I'm sure you get those emails on how to be a better writer, and how punctuation can either make you the Hemingway of writers, or, the village idiot that everybody throws rocks at.

Well, I'm not trying to be Hemingway. I don't want to be Hemingway. Hemingway blew his brains out with a double barrel shotgun. I guess he wanted to make sure he did the job right. He did. I always think of the method Hemingway used to do himself in as a giant exclamation point. Hmmm...

But that's not what I'm getting at here. What I'm getting at is that, as you read some of my articles you may notice that some punctuation is, well, sucky, if I may use that word. And to be perfectly honest (as if I've been lying to you all this time), I'm not even sure if "sucky" is an actual word.

Now I've gotten way off the beaten path here. I was about to make my big fat Greek punctuation excuse. Why is it Greek, and big and fat? How the hell should I know? I'm just the author of this article trying to follow all those crazy punctuation rules. So don't ask me!!!!!!! See there. I just did it. I made an exclamation point "no-no" that will have my fellow Ezine peers cradling their jaws between the crooks of their thumb and forefinger, arching one eyebrow, and chewing on the ends of their meerschaum pipes. And yes, even the women authors on Ezine smoke a meerschaum pipe, and wear well-worn sweaters with leather patches on the elbows.

Oh Christ, where the hell was I? Oh yes, my punctuation excuse. You see the truth is, I'm a lazy person. I guess I could go back and, line-for-line, check my punctuation, but I'm really more interested in writing something that will interest the reader. If my readers (all two of them) are more into checking my punctuation than reading what I have to say, then I guess I need to get some new readers. Readers that can't read very well, or at the very least, ones that really don't give a shit!!!! Damn it, I did it again. See what I mean??? I mean, really?!?

And speaking of really, I can never remember if it's two question marks surrounding an exclamation point, or two exclamation points sandwiching a question mark. I mean, you know, when you're trying to show indignant disbelief. Or is it just one question mark, followed by an exclamation point? Now that's funny. I just ended that sentence of asking about an exclamation point followed by a question mark.

You see what's happening here? You see what I've been reduced to? Personally I try not to care. That is until I get an email from some Ezine punctuation geek informing me I left off that last sentence with a dangling modifier. I'll tell you what I'd like to do. I'd like to wrap that dangling modifier around that geek's pimpled neck and hang him from the tallest capital "T" I can find.

But I'm not talking about geeks dangling their modifiers; I'm talking about my big fat Greek punctuation excuse that I've been trying to make ever since I started this article but can never seem to get around to. So, here it comes. I sometimes... well, let me revise that to, I often times make punctuation mistakes in my articles.

So, if you happen to be reading one of my articles and notice a few punctuation errors, just realize I'm not some hillbilly that just stepped out of the Appalachian Mountains with one green tooth hanging by a thread of gum meat, licking my lips and telling you, "you sure got a purdy mouth." However, my suggestion to you is, if you hear banjo music, paddle faster.

But I'm not talking about Hillbillies or banjo music GODDMAN IT, I'M TALKING ABOUT MY BIG, FAT ASS GREEK PUNCTUATION EXCUSE!!!

Jeez, I wonder if this is what drove Hemingway over the edge?

ROBOT
03-01-2013, 01:02 PM
Hello Director,

According to my database you have been a member for over a year, or according to my database you have no strikes for copy/paste content, and it seems you have posted some long helpful posts based on my referrals and text checking.

Your account has been upgraded. Thank you for being a part of this community. Please go enjoy then downloads.

ROBOT

*//•end message//*•

Havey
03-01-2013, 01:43 PM
Hey! Awesome. I'll be sure to read this little rant later. But congrats on the account upgrade!

Director
03-01-2013, 01:53 PM
Dear, uh, Robot

Thanks for the accolades. Coming from someone as non-human as you really means a lot to me, as long as you don't try to grab my unmentionables with your metal claws and squeeze, we'll remain good friends. And please, allow me to compliment you on having such, lovely biodegradables.

As to your final reference to "Please go enjoy then downloads", I'm afraid my robotese is a bit rusty these days (pardon the pun), and I'm not sure exactly what you mean. But thanks for the sentiment anyway...as much as a Robot can have any sentiment, that is.

Havey
03-01-2013, 01:55 PM
He means that you now have access to the Pro Member section of the website.

Pro Members get exclusive content that is downloadable through the site that can help you with filming.

Business plans, Investor Contracts, ect.

Director
03-01-2013, 01:59 PM
Thanks Havey, can't wait to become a 7 star brigadier general so I can stand on the battle field and command my troops to "bombs those commie sons-a-bitchs back into the stone age". Should be a lot of fun :)

Nick Soares
03-01-2013, 02:21 PM
HAHAHAHAHA, this really made me laugh.

Great post by the way

Director
03-01-2013, 02:26 PM
Thanks Nick.